September 01, 2004, 09:50 PM
CSI: New York
Yesterday the Drudge Report posted some pics of liberal radio talk-show host Al Franken angrily violating the personal space of Laura Ingraham's producer. What on earth could make such a compassionate, calm, cool and collected progressive, such as Franken, lose his temper like that? Surely it would take more than being a Democrat having to suffer through the enemy's convention.
Yes it was. Thanks to my eagle eye, sophisticated crime-scene photo analysis equipment and psychic abilities, I've uncovered some clues that shed some light on his breakdown. Was it a right-wing conspiracy? You be the judge...
Read the posts below that correlate with each lettered red bullet in the image.
(A) These are not Al's glasses. Somebody switched them with some coke-bottle thick spectacles with magnification power rivaling that of the Hubble Space Telescope. Here is what he's really been seeing all week at the convention...
(B) Someone redirected Laura Ingraham's show feed into his headphones.
(C) Assistant bribed to stick his hand into Franken's armpit.
(D) Lanyard switched with one that has “Air-Heads” printed on it (an obvious sarcastic reference to Air America's listeners; similar to Limbaugh's “Ditto-Heads”)
(E) Tie replaced with one that has an intricate “W” pattern stitched into it.
(F) Official Press badge has name misspelled as “Alf Ranken”.
(G) Very conservative-looking guy paid to follow Al around yet instructed to ignore him - just for annoyance.
(H) Someone slipped peanuts into his Diet Coke.
(I) Assistant paid extra to keep it in a good long time.
(J) Computer used to hack into Air America's website and redirect viewers to President Bush's campaign donation page.
(K) Everyone should NOT drink this crappy American water, but only Perrier like he does (a real pet peeve of his).
(L) Photo frame has picture of Al Gore in his post-election “beard phase”.
(M) This microphone spliced into Franken's show, with someone interrupting him at various points pretending to be the host and calling for Newt Gingrich to be nominated.
(N) His microphone, unlike this one, was reengineered to give him a creepy alien voice.
(O) Never stare directly into the camera - it only makes you look guilty.
So there you have it. All of this would have pushed Gandhi or even Mother Teresa over the edge, so it's perfectly understandable that Alf would vent a little steam. Let's not be too hard on him.
As for the right-wing conspiracy theory - I'm still undecided.
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